On Opening Up: Why Non-Monogamy is for Me

A version of this post was previously published on Riots Not Diets in 2015.

If you had told me that leading up to my wedding I would find myself deeply in love with more than one person, I would probably have laughed at you.

It’s not that I ever thought non-monogamy or polyamory were out of the question for me — to be honest I have pushed for it in pretty much every relationship I’ve ever had.

I just didn’t expect this kind of relationship evolution or transition to happen leading up to a pretty significant milestone like a wedding. Weddings are stressful, financially and emotionally. They take up a lot of your time and brain space. But most importantly, a wedding is about sharing your deepest connection with the people you love — making a commitment to your person that you are their person and together you are a family.

So to some it may seem contradictory to explore non-monogamy leading up to a very public cultural event that is typically all about lifetime monogamous coupling.

But it’s where we found ourselves and to be honest it just felt right. And it wouldn’t have felt that way if it weren’t for the amazing and strong foundation I had (and still have) in my babe, my #1 person, my husband.

Our love is so strong, and we are so close, and we care so deeply for one another — it just made sense to me that we would want each other to experience everything that life has to offer us. We have desires for so many things that we can’t necessarily fulfill for each other and every day I’m learning that that’s okay.

Did you know that you don’t have to be one person’s everything? Did you know that you can’t always be one person’s everything?

I think for a very, very long time I didn’t know that, or didn’t want to know that. I still struggle with it, but exploring non-monogamy and polyamory is helping me work through my own insecurities and fear and pain in a way I never knew possible.

Which is of course not to say that this whole process is lovely and easy and everything is good all the time. I’ve cried a lot. I’ve processed a lot. I’ve gotten angry and hurt. But I’ve done it all with my best friends at my side, and now there are several new people in my life to share my love with and damn, that’s just fucking magical.

So here’s to weathering life-altering transitions with the love of your life at your side. Here’s to best friends who’ve been doing this shit longer than you sitting with you and being frank and helping you through the rough patches. Here’s to new love, and old love. To love that makes you feel bigger than yourself.

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  1. Thank you so much for posting this!
    My husband and I very quietly dipped the tiniest pinky toe into this pool this summer and found it not scary at all. Definitely something we want to do again. There’s so much love to go around.
    Would love to hear more about this topic.

    1. Our capacity for love truly is limitless, and I’m glad to hear it went well for you — sending you good vibes should you try again, and the strength to get through whatever comes up, even if it’s scary!

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